THIS IS JUST ME RANTING. YOU DON'T WANT TO READ THIS!
So last night I came to the realization that I have no feelings/emotions. I've been pushing my feelings down my whole life and I must not have any anymore. The only emotion I really feel any more is anger. I have been such a monster lately. Not to anyone, but in my head. I wish I had the guts to just say it like I feel it. I envy people who can just be like, "You know what? You suck! You are crazy. Stop looking at me!" (etc.) I really wish I could say that. "You really hurt me. What you just said really pissed me off." (etc.)
I don't know why I have such a hard time with it. I need to figure out a way to express my emotions. It is so hard! I might quit the hotel. I don't know. It is driving Wade crazy. We are seriously not seeing each other anymore. It really sucks. And he is getting really sick of it. I am just trying to help! I sometimes feel that I am not appreciated for what I do. I work 2 jobs, clean the whole house, wash all the clothes, cook, and run around/run errands. Lately I have been feeling like he doesn't even care that I am running myself dry for HIM! For us. So we can live in our own house one day. So we can FINALLY pay off our HUGE debt. To him, I am just working because I am a "work-o-holic" and I enjoy working.
Okay I am done before I make myself cry at work.
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4 comments:
Ambria I love you! I'm glad you don't chew everyone out cause it means you're a nice person. You can't hold everything in but you can't go spouting off all the time (especially at work). Just like they say there's a time and a place for everything. Haha maybe watch Juno and pick up on some of her sarcasm and throw that out when people start to piss you off. And yeah working two jobs sucks. It takes alot out of you physically AND mentally. I did it a few months ago and I hated it but getting the extra money to help pay off stuff was nice too. I say just hold out as long as you can and earn as much as you can before you decide to leave. Also us guys are dumb. Just bonk Wade on the head. Haha maybe not. BUT you better take some time out to hang out with us when we come this next week!
I think there are times everyone feels so drained. They really do everything and don't feel the appreciation. Writing always helps me get out my feelings. Even if no one reads it and I throw it away, I feel better. Sometimes communicating hard emotions to people is easier in a letter. i bet you are so drained with everything going on. This week is going to be really hard. It might just be the "straw that broke the Camel's back". I love you. I hope we can see you for an hour or two before you need to work or catch up on sleep.
Amb!!! I know you have really pushed your emotions away into feeling numb. I can relate, to a degree. I like to call it 'walking zombie that never dies.' Morbid, eh? Anyway, I agree that you've gotta talk it out with Wadeypoo. When I was getting my Bachelor's degree and working 2 jobs AND doing full time school 6 (yep, SIX) days a week...it nearly killed me. I slept from 3:30 am to 6:30 am and did it all over every day (except on Sat I believe I slept in til 7:30am). It's TOUGH stuff, but it will totally be worth it when you pay off the debt and can chill a bit. I APPRECIATE you. =) LOVE YA!!!! =)
I love you honey. If you need to quit to save your marriage, it would be good to do. Life is a balancing act that is sometimes hard to see the rope. I love when you come over. Hang in there it will usually get better.
Love,
Mom
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